Let Us Be Warriors, My Darling

We had such a wonderful year last year. 

When God led us to stop all fertility treatments and stop actively trying to conceive, I felt like the year would drag on and would be boring and uneventful. Thankfully we had a year full of so many adventures, from start to finish. Looking back I can see the heart of our Father giving us so much joy in our year of waiting. 

Amidst the joy there were also so many things to learn. It's amazing to see how the Lord's beautiful plan took shape as we learned things, piece by piece through 2016.

We focused on moving forward throughout the year. We wanted to find peace in a world where we had only Kimber in Heaven. We wanted desperately to be content to live in the will of our Father, focusing on the idea that we might never have more children.

Throughout the year we had recurring moments when our passion for children was brought back to the front of our minds. Repeatedly I think we both made the effort to lay that passion aside and to not look deeper into it. We made the explanations to ourselves that we had opportunities to invest in other children, and ministries that involved children, explanations that we attempted to convince us that our passion for children didn't mean as much to our hearts as it used to. 

At times I vividly remember feeling to overwhelmed by my passion for children and parenthood that I felt twisted and confused about life. Was I misinterpreting God's vision? Had my own desires corrupted His plan? Should we move to Brazil? Should I teach this class? Should I join this small group or that one? 

I was conflicted on both small and large issues and thought that my heart just never felt settled. 

In September I went to a women's conference at a friend's church. They were kicking off a new Bible study and the speakers talked about the armor of God.

Ephesians 6:10-17

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

 I felt that each woman had a great perspective about the topic but one in particular resonated deeply with me. She said that she knew all about the armor of God. She was in the middle of a cancer battle and felt like she had that armor on. But something happened that made her realize that, although she had on the armor of God, she was only using it in a defensive manor. She had forgotten what it meant to be a warrior, what it meant to go into battle with the armor of God, and to fight. 

Her words spoke to me deeply and I could feel the eyes of my heart opening. I recognized that same behavior in my own life. I saw that I had settled back into a corner and just sat there as the battles of life took their tolls on me. I was protected, that is true, but I had stopped fighting because I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be fighting for anymore. And I was tired, I was tired of being hurt so frequently that sitting back and letting someone else fight seemed like a good option. 

When I discovered this I prayed a lot about what it meant for me and for us. I didn't get answers right away but it stayed on my heart and mind as I waited for the Lord to reveal the missing piece to me.

As the year drew to a close we still felt no direction in regards to fertility or moving forward. John and I spent a lot of time in prayer asking for the Lord to lead us. Unfortunately it seemed like both of us just kept coming up empty. 

I started reading a book "The Sacred Romance" by John Eldridge and Brent Curtis. The book changed my perspective completely. It felt that the Lord spoke to me through their words and opened my eyes to new things. 

I realized that I was guarding myself against the desires of my own heart out of fear. I was afraid that I would make the wrong choice because of how badly I want children. I was afraid that I wasn't hearing God correctly because my own passion was too overpowering for His will to get through. I was afraid of misinterpreting His will so I shut out all the voices in my heart, not realizing that I shut out His voice as well. 

It seemed so obvious once I realized what I was doing. Because I was afraid of doing the wrong thing I shut out the voice of the Lord. Isn't that crazy? I felt so silly, letting fear shut me down. 

When I finally opened my heart back up I was ready to hear whatever He had to say to us. What I felt was the reminder that the passion in our hearts was put there by our loving Father, and it has a purpose. We have tried over the last few years to turn that passion into something else, but the Lord has kept it unchanged and solidified in our hearts. 

After a lot of prayer we decided that 2017 will be the year that we fight for our passion. It's big and it's scary and we know that there could be a lot of hurt involved. But we have hope and trust in what the Lord is doing in our lives and even if the result is not what we desire. We know that He has a plan for our passion and we want to see it through. 

We've been focusing on a few verses that have been speaking to our hearts. One is:         

Psalm 112:6-8

Surely the righteous will never be shaken.

They will have no fear of bad news;

their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord.

Their hearts are secure, they will have no fear;

in the end they will look in triumph on their foes.

I love this verse. We've claimed it as our anthem. We will not let fear rule our hearts and we will not let it stop us from doing the will of God. We will be steadfast in whatever we face and we will trust in the Lord. We know that He has given us the passion for children and parenthood and we want to embrace that and invest our hearts into it for as long as He asks us to.

Another verse we've adopted into our 2017 theme is:

        Psalm 2:13-14

I remain confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.

We like this verse in particular because it reminds us that no matter what happens on this journey we know that we will see the goodness of the Lord on this side of Heaven. It doesn't mean we will have children, but we know His plan is for our good and we have hope. We will remain strong and take heart, and we will wait on the Lord.

I am so thankful for 2016. It was a year of rest and learning. The Lord taught us so much about ourselves and about our hearts. What a wonderful Father to give us that time as He gently shepherded us into His will. We were a bit gun-shy but we are so thankful that he gave us the time to truly learn what He was teaching us.

So, as 2017 begins we ask that you join us in deep prayer for our next great adventure. 

Our theme for 2017 is that we will be warriors. I say this because we are entering back into the world of infertility. And this time we aren't just looking for answers to the complicated questions. This time we are fighting for our God-given passions. 

This time we are fighting with the Lord and we know that at the end, when the dust of battle fades away, we will still be standing. Because I know we will look in triumph at our foes. 

Because in this battle we are content with whatever His will is, and we are ready to fight. 

What an amazing love we have in our Father? That not only would He fill our hearts with passion but He would lead us into this battle to follow them. 

We are blessed and in all circumstances we choose to praise the Lord!