From Riches to Rags, and the Glory I Found There

I've been working on this post for a while now, collecting information and questions from lots of people. This is only the first post in a series of post related to loss and the questions all of us want answers to. I am excited about sharing some of the things that we have learned along the path of life after our son, Kimber was stillborn as well as the wisdom of others who have also been there. So, without further ado, here are some of the most pressing questions I've been asked, advice I've given, and hope I have received along the way... What should I say? Ok y'all, I get this one a LOT. Its pretty simple, you just say you're sorry, and that it is awful (or sucky, horrible, heartbreaking, etc). So many people have said "I am afraid to bring up their baby because I don't want to hurt them more" and while I understand that heart of that sentiment, no one forgets that their baby has died. You are not reminding them that they've lost a child, yo...

We’ve been through a season of changes in the last two years (see my previous blog for more details). But I haven’t said much about how the process of grief has been woven into that and what that looks like. My family home of 30 years is being sold. The home where I grew up; exploring the river, roaming the mountains, and running through open fields surrounding us. It’s the place where we announced our pregnancy to my family, where we celebrated our baby and his little cousin together, where we talked about his future and hopes and dreams we had for him.  It’s also the place we buried him.  Where I cried at the kitchen table with my mom and my sister and said “I don’t know how to plan his funeral...I don’t know how to bury him”.  Where I came to see my mom the day before his service and cried “I feel like a bad mom, and I don’t know how I can do this”.  It’s the place we all gathered together and had a memorial service for him and it’s the ...

I’ve always tried to be an open book about our struggles. Since Kimber died I’ve encouraged everyone to ask whatever questions they’ve had, whatever things they’ve wondered, and I’ve always tried to answer openly and honestly. I’ve been someone who bursts with encouragement, thank you God for that spiritual gift, and it is second nature to encourage other women who’re grieving; both the loss of a child or the lack of the possibility of one.   So, have you wondered...What it’s like living with Infertility after loss?   It’s like you suddenly joined this ridiculously exclusive club, one where people are bonded by grief, but then, one by one, the other members seem to rise out of it, or to other levels. And you’re left alone. They can’t share with you the same way they once did. Partly it’s because they don’t want to hurt you, and partly because you just don’t have the same things in common a...

I have loved watching the journey of bereavement unfold in my life. Four years ago I would never have thought that I would be where I am now but I am so so thankful for the adventures that have brought me here. I'm thankful for a loving Father who has spoken the words of scripture into my heart and has redeemed the greatest pain in my life and created in it my greatest calling.  "All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer. We are confident that as yo...

     This is a hard one... Last year John and I prayed deeply about stopping actively trying to conceive. We spent a month in prayer and asked a few people to pray for us as well. John and I felt like we needed to stop. Stop with the tests, stop with the meds, stop with tracking cycles, stop with the supplements. I specifically felt like this was just for a year, I wasn't sure what we were supposed to do after that year but I knew He would reveal it in His time.      The Lord blessed us so much in honoring Him and trusting His will for us. We have truly had an amazing year. We traveled to Brazil on a missions trip, took weekend trips to Lancaster, Kings Dominion and Va Beach, vacationed with our family in the Outerbanks, and took a once in a lifetime trip to Albuquerque, the Grand Canyon, and Cimarron! And the year isn't even over yet!!! I can honestly say this year has been one of the busiest years we've ever had.      At the beg...

There is a common thread of conversation amongst women who have lost a child, at almost every stage, "nobody wants to bring them up". Sometimes that is true, sometimes people don't bring up your baby. It's not that they don't remember or that they think your baby didn't matter. They don't bring up your baby because they're afraid of hurting you more. They're trying to respect your wishes and to follow your lead. But, please hear me when I say this, and I mean it in the kindest way possible, it is not someone else’s responsibility to make you feel better. Sure, it would be great if they could instantly know what you needed and give it to you, but they're human, so they can’t be responsible for our happiness.  It's time, we grieving mothers, to end our pity party and realize that we are responsible for our child's legacy, no one else. In the world we are given a "pass" to grieve however we like. Even if that means we are si...

I'm so unbelievably sorry, dear one. I'm heartbroken for you, and for your family, and for your baby.  I'm sorry. Where are you at? Are you waiting?  Waiting for that third ultrasound when they can finally say "officially" your baby has died? Waiting to be admitted into a labor and delivery room that previously held excitement but now only holds devastation? Waiting for meds to kick in that will trigger your body to birth the most precious thing in your life? Waiting at home, all alone, for the cramps to start? Waiting for the world to stop spinning, because your world stopped? Waiting in the doctor's office hoping they don't confirm what you already know? Waiting for a Miracle? Are you praying? Praying that all the doctors or midwives were so very wrong, that somehow they missed the tiny little heartbeat that holds your whole world? Praying that it won't hurt as much as you think it will once the shock wears off? P...

Some day...days like today, I struggle . I struggle to trust in God's promises, to believe in His goodness, to hope in His plan.  Because it have been five years, and hundreds of pregnancy tests since we started asking God for a child.  Because with every failed cycle of fertility meds my heart hopes just a little less.  Because two years ago I held my son in my arms and desperately willed him to breath, to live. Because every adoption prospect that falls through reminds me of the lack of a miracle.  Because having to give up the chance to adopt our foster daughter resounded in our hearts likes the final nail in a coffin.  Because we are finally selling the very last of our baby items that we kept saving "just in case".  Because we have suffered.... and we are suffering. This season of Christmas is constantly reminding me of the suffering that our Lord experienced to bring us unbelievable joy, and unrelenting hope.  ...

Today my husband and I, along with some of our family and friends took part in a candlelight memorial walk and service held for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remebrance Day. I was asked to speak and nervously gave the speech below, for anyone interested ☺️.  My son Kimber Paul Roosevelt was stillborn two years ago on September 4. He was 6lbs and 19 1/2 in long. He had beautiful red hair like his daddy and he had my family's nose. He was the most perfect little boy.  During the most devastating time in our lives my husband and I clung to the Lord and the promises of who He is and what He is doing in our lives.  Jeremiah 29:11 says  " For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. " I linger on this verse often. This is not all there is for us. Pain is not all there is for us. There is a plan, a purpose for all things, including this tragedy, including your ...

One of the most pivotal points in my journey after Kimber died was when another mother of loss gave me some advice. She gently encouraged me to work my heart towards thanking God for Kimber's death.  I talked about to often with John for a while and, eventually, one night during our bedtime prayer I told John I was ready.  "Thank you God for Kimber's death" I felt like throwing up, and I wept in John's arms for a long time. It felt like it went against every fiber of my being, to be thankful for the death of the little red-headed boy who would have called me "Mommy".  God commands us to give thanks in ALL circumstances ("give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" 1 Thess. 5:18). He requires us to die to our flesh by giving thanks in the midst of our adversity and for the adversity .  That wonderful woman gave me an amazing gift. She pushed my heart in the right direction and led me by...

After your child dies time seems to be measured in relation to the day they died. Today it has been 1 year and 7 months . I've stopped counting the days, and now the time is measured in months. Some day the time will be measured only in years, and then, one day, time will cease to attend my thoughts every day and I will instead measure in moments and events.  But for now, my hearts still counts the months that have passed since my baby died.  It has been 1 year and 7 months since Kimber died and was born.  It has been 1 year and 7 months since I held Kimber in my arms.  It has been 1 year and 7 months since I looked at him and tried to cement his perfect face, and little fingers, and big feet, and red hair, and long body, and sweet lips into my memory forever. We are no strangers to waiting , or to  disappointment , or to pain , or to suffering .  BUT , we also are no strangers to grace , or to joy , or to hope , or to ...