To The Mother Who Gives Birth To Death

I'm so unbelievably sorry, dear one.

I'm heartbroken for you, and for your family, and for your baby. 

I'm sorry.

Where are you at?

Are you waiting? 

Waiting for that third ultrasound when they can finally say "officially" your baby has died?

Waiting to be admitted into a labor and delivery room that previously held excitement but now only holds devastation?

Waiting for meds to kick in that will trigger your body to birth the most precious thing in your life?

Waiting at home, all alone, for the cramps to start?

Waiting for the world to stop spinning, because your world stopped?

Waiting in the doctor's office hoping they don't confirm what you already know?

Waiting for a Miracle?

Are you praying?

Praying that all the doctors or midwives were so very wrong, that somehow they missed the tiny little heartbeat that holds your whole world?

Praying that it won't hurt as much as you think it will once the shock wears off?

Praying that you don't hear babies crying so beautifully from the room next door?

Praying your baby can be recognizable? 

Praying that you won't have to tell the world what happened?

Praying that it goes easy and fast because the pains of labor are so bitterly unfair when your baby has already died?

Are you crying?

Are you hopeless?

Are you empty?

Are you dying?

Are you there?

I've made it to the other side dear one, I've survived.

  My baby died, and I survived. 

There were times...times I desperately felt like giving up, like I couldn't possibly handle one more agonizing second.

Times I felt like the very breath had been stolen from my lungs and I would never be able to breath again.

Times I wept so heartbreakingly hard that my head ached and my body crumbled. 

Times my soul felt removed from my body.

Times I wished love wasn't so strong so it wouldn't hurt so terribly. 

But, God has been an ever-faithful companion, He has comforted us and brought us joy again...even if that joy didn't look like what we expected it to.

  

Here are some things I want you to know...

You just do it. 

I know it feels hopeless and impossible to labor and deliver a baby who has already died. Whether you are 4 weeks or past 40 weeks. I remember saying "how do I go through this horrible labor when I don't get my baby at the end!?!?". 

You just do it. It's that simple. You take it minute by minute and accept the emotional pain with the physical pain, step by step. You avoid the knowledge that you no longer have to worry about what method is better for your baby, or you embrace it. You do it your way. You just do it, because it has to be done, you HAVE to do it. 

Make your memories.

Cherish the process. I know it hurts, I know it's devastating, but you will want those memories. Your baby still matters, your baby has still changed your world, your baby still deserves to be treasured.

Memories look different for everyone. Whether it's pictures or feelings or smells. They all matter to someone. They can all be remembered. 

Take pictures. Even if your baby is teeny and tiny and you can't yet tell if he has mommy's nose or daddy's chin. They may only ever sit on a CD and never be looked at again, but they're very existence makes a difference.

Hold you baby, see your baby, love your baby. Whatever works best for you and your baby, and for your family (their desires matter too, you aren't alone in this loss).

Remember, this is your only chance.

When this moment is gone it cannot be regained. I know, it's unbelievably harsh, but it so scarily true. 

Pray about what you want in your memories. It's ok to want something different than I had, but I encourage you to cherish it, and make those memories. 

Locks of hair, handprints, footprints, weight, measurements, pictures, feelings, smells, support, comfort, and pain. Yes, even pain makes a memory. 

Embrace it.

I know, it sounds completely wrong. How can you possibly embrace the worst thing that has ever happened?

But, in embracing death, you are also embracing life. Your baby's life mattered, when you embrace his death you are able to celebrate his life. 

It takes time, and effort, and so so so much prayer. But God is faithful to redeem that pain. 

Let people help. 

People want to help in all sorts of unexpected and unusual ways. Some do the dishes, some make meals, some just sit and watch Everybody Loves Raymonde, or Gilmore Girls, or Friends with you as you...well as you pray that you don't just fade away. They sit with you as you hold a pillow to your stomach because your empty womb is so harsh and you feel devastated every time you absentmindedly reach to pat you baby who is no longer there. 

Ask them for help when you need it, tell them you're having a rough day. Practice grace, grace that can only come from Christ. People say all sorts of things when they're trying to comfort you. Even if they say the wrong words, accept their comfort and the hope they're trying to offer. 

Grieving doesn't end. 

It just changes and shifts as you grow and move forward. Each birthday hurts a little differently. You never stop loving your baby, you never stop wishing he had never died. You do accept it, but it doesn't stop hurting. It may not hurt as much or as bad, you may not even hurt in the same ways. But losing a child hurts, there is no way around it. 

There is no real right or wrong way to mourn, or to move forward. 

It's just how it works for you. I simply suggest that you make sure you are aligning yourself with scripture. People can sin in their grief, so so easily. I know I did.

But you should always be working towards grieving Christ-centered. I know, I know, it's not a very popular position to hold. People try to tell you it's ok to grieve however you like, but it's not. Sin is still sin...even when your baby dies. 

Grieve with your husband, and heal with him too.

The statistics are astounding about divorce after the death of a child. Don't let that be you. Taking care of your marriage is vitally important. Your husband lost his baby too, he is not less important than you. Even if you grieve differently, grieve together, even if you heal differently, heal together. Support each other, and one day, you'll be able to dream together again. 

Surround yourself with Christ-centered people. 

People who are going to point you to Christ when you have lost your way. Treasure the friends who mourn your loss with you, who are constantly lifting you up in prayer. People you can be honest with, and can plead with, people to help you when you cannot breath. Let them breathe for you. 

Remember your heart does not determine truth.

There were so many nights I laid awake with a broken and bleeding heart and Satan whispered to my heart. Oh the lies he spoke into my life were devastating. 

These times are important. They can be life-altering. 

Remember, a broken heart has terrible, terrible judgement. Rely on the one and only Truth. Let God's Word fill your mind with strength so that your mind can speak truth to your heart. Rely on the facts of Christ, not the feelings of your heartbreak. 

Celebrate your baby’s life.

In whatever way that means to you. Celebrate by yourself. Celebrate with your entire family (we have a birthday party every year). Celebrate by simply remembering. Celebrate by thanking God for such an amazing gift to be that little one’s mom for however long. Celebrate by not letting anyone forget who your baby was, how important you baby was. Celebrate in whatever way it feels best, and let your celebrating change as you change.

You will not understand.

You just won't. God has a masterful plan and is working all things together for your good, and your baby's good, but you will not understand it. 

I want to tell you that you have to let it go, just trust in Him. I know it's so much easier said than done, but work towards it, continually renew your mind. It's gets easier. One day you will meet Him face to face and you will finally be able to ask and hear an answer…but, I wonder if it will even matter then? When we are reunited with our babies and Christ is before us, will we even wonder anymore?

Your baby's life is bigger than just you. Your baby's death is bigger than just you. Your suffering is bigger than just you. Your life is bigger than just you. 

He allows you suffering.

But He gives you joy.

He allows you loss.

But He gives you comfort.

He allows you death.

But He gives you LIFE.

He gives and takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.