From Riches to Rags, and the Glory I Found There

This is just a short testimony I gave at a women's event last week.I wanted to share because throughout the week leading up to it i felt attacked and undermined by Satan. I was in a state of  confusion and denial about my self worth and the importance of sharing testimonies. Through my struggles to define this testimony God encouraged me through a dear friend and her prayers and opened my heart to obedience, especially during struggles  This year my relationship with God has been deepening in new ways and I have felt myself more vulnerable to attacks from the evil one. In each circumstance God has given me the confidence to overcome them, even as I have struggled to fully comprehend the layers of deceit being whispered into my life. The have served as  reminders that my Abba Father is still so very loving and faithful. My experiences this week and the Spirit of strength inside me enabled me to dig deeply in...

We had such a wonderful year last year.  When God led us to stop all fertility treatments and stop actively trying to conceive, I felt like the year would drag on and would be boring and uneventful. Thankfully we had a year full of so many adventures, from start to finish. Looking back I can see the heart of our Father giving us so much joy in our year of waiting.  Amidst the joy there were also so many things to learn. It's amazing to see how the Lord's beautiful plan took shape as we learned things, piece by piece through 2016. We focused on moving forward throughout the year. We wanted to find peace in a world where we had only Kimber in Heaven. We wanted desperately to be content to live in the will of our Father, focusing on the idea that we might never have more children. Throughout the year we had recurring moments when our passion for children was brought back to the front of our minds. Repeatedly I think we both made the effort to lay that passion aside...

I've literally spent years learning how to be a barren woman.         It sounds strange doesn't it? Like I had to go to school and stumble through a bachelors degree in infertility and years later I'm still working on my masters in barren-hood. Obviously I started by majoring in motherhood but somehow flunked out and realized that my credits could transfer so I'm here just trying to survive finals.       Did I take the analogy too far? It was just to show you that this is a process, a process that does require learning new things, and re-learning old things. A process that forces you to re-evaluate where you thought you were going and makes you change your behavior to be successful.       I tend to be upfront and possibly a tad blunt when it comes to infertility. Why are we so secretive about such a defining part of our lives? If my leg was amputated I wouldn't be constantly hiding it under a blanket after I've h...

     This is a hard one... Last year John and I prayed deeply about stopping actively trying to conceive. We spent a month in prayer and asked a few people to pray for us as well. John and I felt like we needed to stop. Stop with the tests, stop with the meds, stop with tracking cycles, stop with the supplements. I specifically felt like this was just for a year, I wasn't sure what we were supposed to do after that year but I knew He would reveal it in His time.      The Lord blessed us so much in honoring Him and trusting His will for us. We have truly had an amazing year. We traveled to Brazil on a missions trip, took weekend trips to Lancaster, Kings Dominion and Va Beach, vacationed with our family in the Outerbanks, and took a once in a lifetime trip to Albuquerque, the Grand Canyon, and Cimarron! And the year isn't even over yet!!! I can honestly say this year has been one of the busiest years we've ever had.      At the beg...

There are so many stories out there about beautiful "rainbow babies". For those of you who aren't familiar with the term "rainbow baby" here is a simple explanation of the term. After we first lost Kimber I loved the term. I was so convinced that the Lord would provide a rainbow baby for us and show us that He saw our hurt and was blessing us with the sunshine and hope of another baby. But our empty arms stayed empty and our broken hearts continued to stay broken. Month after month, negative test after negative test, and still no baby. We did all the tracking and all the meds and still no rainbow baby. So, where did that leave us? We were in a perpetual state of trying to conceive and were always delaying trips or plans because of "what's ifs" and "maybe thens". We would count the months and see due dates and plan around them because we just kept thinking our rainbow baby was just around the corner. As the reality of our secondar...

There is a common thread of conversation amongst women who have lost a child, at almost every stage, "nobody wants to bring them up". Sometimes that is true, sometimes people don't bring up your baby. It's not that they don't remember or that they think your baby didn't matter. They don't bring up your baby because they're afraid of hurting you more. They're trying to respect your wishes and to follow your lead. But, please hear me when I say this, and I mean it in the kindest way possible, it is not someone else’s responsibility to make you feel better. Sure, it would be great if they could instantly know what you needed and give it to you, but they're human, so they can’t be responsible for our happiness.  It's time, we grieving mothers, to end our pity party and realize that we are responsible for our child's legacy, no one else. In the world we are given a "pass" to grieve however we like. Even if that means we are si...

Have you ever read 2 Corinthians 1:3-4? Have you just skimmed over it? Have you thought, "oh, that's nice, comforting people is always good"? Have you thought one day someone might be there to comfort you? But, have you READ it? Have you let it sink into your soul? Have you read it and felt the calling? Have you wondered how there could ever have been a  time  it didn't mean as much to you? Have you felt the power of God's word flow from your head to your heart as He calls you into something so much bigger than yourself, so much bigger than your own suffering? I have never known comfort quite like when we sat in the hospital  holding t he  body of our only child in our arms.  I have never know joy quite like when we smiled and laughed  and shared our son with whomever wanted to meet him. We had an amazing support system. Amazing family members, amazing friends, amazing church family, and ama...