I have often wondered how my daughter must feel about my family's relationship with my late husband. She never got to meet him. She came into our family after the harshest of grieving had happened, 7 months after he died. She still saw us mourn him and miss him...but she never knew him. And there is such a travesty in that. He would have loved her beyond comprehension...and I have no doubt that she would have connected with him far quicker than she has with me.
"I wish I could have met John...I think he would have been a great dad."
Me too, babe, me too. He really would have been amazing.
I am so incredibly sorry that he never had the opportunity to father her. Because it would have been amazing to behold...I just know it. But I also am just so thankful that she did not have to lose him...that her heart did not have to bear that brokenness as well...silver linings and all that. She still lost him, but much more indirectly than the rest of us. She lost him without the trauma, and I am so very thankful for that.
"I want to see John's cross...where he died..."
So, I finally took her to the accident site, 6 months after I brought her home. She wanted to connect with our loss...with our love for him. He is her family too, and she wanted to be a part of mourning him. She's a part of our family and she wants to be a part of every aspect of it, and that includes missing our favorite person. She asks for stories about him and asks me to tell her all the ways that they're alike. Because they really are so alike, they would have been two peas in a pod.
"How can I miss someone I never met?"
It's a miracle within itself, my girl...that we can love someone we've never even met. It's how I felt about you when I first heard about you. It made no sense, but I knew that you needed someone to love you wholly and unconditionally, and I chose to do it...the very minute I knew of your existence I knew you were mine, and I gave my whole heart to you in that moment. It didn't matter that I might end up heartbroken because of it or not, I simply knew that you needed someone to love you like Christ loves us, without restraint.
"I think that John was your soulmate. I don't think that you'll get a second chance at love because he was perfect for you and you had such a good marriage. I think that maybe we only get one chance at happiness."
It's possible that she's right. Maybe I won't get a second chance at living life with a partner. But I don't actually believe in soulmates. Even though our love and life together was worthwhile and wonderful, I believe it was so because of the choices John and I made. We chose each other, and we kept choosing each other...that is what made our imperfect life together worthwhile. There are no perfect people, nor perfect marriages, only a perfect savior who challenges and changes sinners. And, for whatever reason...I have a great hope that there is someone out there who might...just might...choose me again. I am not promised such a second chance, but I will look for it anyway. I will not dwell on it, will not write my story around it, but I will keep my eyes open for such an opportunity.
"How can you forgive the man who killed John? He was so awful! He chose to do drugs and he killed him!"
I held her in my arms as she chose to berate the man who ended John's life...as she struggled with forgiving people from her own past.
We forgive the unforgivable because the unforgivable has been forgiven of us, baby. It doesn't happen all at once, our forgiving. Rather it is a consistent action that happens time and time again. Every time we remember the hurt, every time we feel the pain again, every time we see that little cross on the side of the road. One big thing about forgiving is that we must first feel all the feelings surrounding our pain. We must process and work through it, accepting all that it is and all that it isn't. We must renew our minds, and make the decision to forgive again and again. It's ok if it takes time, its ok if we can't always do it. But let's not stay stagnant in it...let's always be working on it.
I have sometimes wondered if I stole the opportunity of having a whole family from my daughter. I debated it before I even brought her home. Was I being selfish by adopting her and keeping her from having both a mother AND a father? Children were meant to have both parents. Was it fair to take that away from her and give her just me? But, she had been in previous two-parent homes and none of them had worked out...and she was left traumatized and broken from being "given away" time and time again. We were never meant to live in such a broken world. Death, loss, grief, and trauma were not meant to be a part of our stories.
Sin broke our world...and we were left to make our way amongst the rubble. So, yes, we were meant for so much more...but there is beauty in our brokenness. Because we are sacred and forgiven, we are living a life for something so much greater than this world. Because, take heart, He has overcome the world!
"Mom, I love you no matter what. Even if you are having a hard time I am here for you. Thank you for loving me like no other family could. I wish I could have had better people in my life. But I found her, it's you."
You, my darling, are the sunshine of my life. It's bright and warm and it fills the empty parts of our home with light and hope. We were meant to be, you and I.
I love you, for always.
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