I Cannot Waste The Changes

 

There are aspects of life as a widow where I took the bull by the horns and simply handled it...I took care of things. I still am taking care of things.

But there are some aspects of life that I simply let fall by the wayside. Seemingly unimportant things. Things that just no longer mattered because my husband was dead.

Things like our deep freezer...

Months before John's death we got together and organized our deep freezer. We made a master list of all the food that was in it. All the freezer meals I made. All the ingredients we prepped. We got so organized so that we could continue living and eating healthily and wisely, especially amidst the pandemic. 

I have not touched any of it since John died. 

Nothing.

I literally allowed an entire deep freezer of perfectly good food go completely to waste because I couldn't bring myself to open that door.

Cooking meals was never my favorite chore. But I was always willing to provide John with a good meal after a long day at his physically demanding job. He was endlessly appreciative of all my work in the kitchen and he was so willing to cook whenever I wasn't up for it. 

After he died I just couldn't bring myself to cook the same way again. I couldn't bring myself to meal prep. I couldn't find the purpose in it anymore. He wasn't coming home ever again...and I just didn't want to make a meal...it felt like I was still waiting for him. And I wanted to make myself move on, to stop waiting for him.

Thankfully I don't actually enjoy eating a lot of unhealthy food all the time (I have my moments, but all the time? No thanks.). So, when the meal train meals ran out, I didn't completely sink into horrible eating habits. But I did have to learn a new way to provide meals every day.

I started buying more prepared meals. I discovered that Costco's prepared foods section is my new best friend (seriously, it's a total godsend). Thankfully my family doesn't complain a lot about having the same meals over and over every week, because that is just how I roll lately. New recipes and long prep times for meals are so incredibly overwhelming, even now, a year later.

Even though I have a family to cook for...it is still so hard. 

I am still trying to improve, to regain, bit by bit, some of who I was before loss changed me. I recently got some bulk food from my church to hopefully meal prep soon. But I needed to put it in the freezer...so I finally forced myself to face the deep freezer.

What a ridiculous waste. So much effort and love went into this silly, stupid freezer. It's crazy to look at these things and remember how different my life was when I filled it. 

I trashed an entire shelf tonight. Just threw it all away. 

I couldn't do it all...it was just too much for a late night, last minute decision to make room. 

But I started the process.

I started to change...once again.

There have just been SO many changes since John died. 

I can't say that I've been totally thrilled with each and every one of them...but I have survived each and every one of them...and that, that has me so incredibly thankful.

I know that I've become someone new since losing my husband. Someone people wouldn't immediately recognize as the the old me. And I know that the process of changing isn't complete yet. I know that this is a long journey. It's a marathon I've committed to...not a sprint.

Because I cannot waste the changes I've been forced to make. I do not want to.

I just want to be someone I can look at in the mirror and be proud of.

I want to embrace who I am becoming, and honor the ways I've been able to stay the same. 

I want to cling to Christ until my very last breath...whether that breath comes in a little while or so very far down the road.

I want to live a life that shows my family that my heart was always centered on the redeeming love of my Savior.

I want my daughter to look back and remember the stupid, old freezer of food I wasted because the world broke my heart...

And I want her to remember that God bound up my wounds and asked me to live again...and that I filled that freezer back up because I chose to do hard things.

Because this silly, old freezer tells a part of my story...

And that story just might change the world...

And if it doesn't change the world, that's ok...

Because, at the very least, it changed hers...

And that will always be one of the greatest thing I've ever been a part of...

Because I did not waste the changes.