Tomorrow would have have been my 15th wedding anniversary with John, had he not passed away just shy of our 13th anniversary.
It still sometimes boggles my mind that "death do us part" happened so much sooner than we planned.
And yet here I am...out in the dating world attempting to find "it" again. It certainly has me feeling some type of way, let me tell ya. And I think the past 1.5ish years I've spent in the dating world has also made lots of other people feel some type of way. "It is what it is" seems a bit of a cliched response...but it really is what it is.
In the absence of a husband with whom to celebrate a covenant made many many moons ago...I feel like now is a good time to update the world (or my small corner of it) on how dating as a widowed Christian mother in her 30s is going.
Here are some things I've learned:
-"Christian" is a term used by so many men...yet personified by so very few of them. I am in a somewhat constant state of awkwardly questioning men about their relationship status with the Lord. I often find my mind wondering back to those silly tracks that used to permeate churches in my teenage years:
Even the devil believes "God is real".
Being in a garage doesn't make you a car any more than being in a church makes you a Christian.
Are you washed by the blood or just by the water?
-"Waiting for marriage" is seen as an antiquated practice that has almost no place in the modern world, not even among Christian relationships. It's somewhat astonishing to have come to the realization that *hushed whisper* SEX is seen as the be all end all in relationships. I've been mocked, scorned, rejected, and blocked for simply stating my beliefs on the topic. It blows my mind how many times I've been compared to a car ("You wouldn't buy a car without driving it first, would you?"). Let alone how often "how far will you go?" is the follow up question *shudders*.
Now, don't get me wrong, I am in no way shaming or condemning anyone who's had sex outside of marriage. "Let him who has no sin cast the first stone" and I will be humbly placing my stone on the ground. Sinner, party of one? Here I am.
But, I know that Bible is clear about sin...and should I sin more that grace may abound more? No thank you. I am, every day, attempting to be more like Christ than I was the day before. I would much prefer to find a man who is not determined to "convince" me to lay down my convictions for the sake of sexual gratification. Never once have I tried to convince a man to wait for me...it seems that it would be simple common curtesy to expect that men would simply say "no thank you" if my ideals do not align with theirs. Oddly enough, that is so very often not the case. And that is the seemingly sad state of dating in your 30s. Sex is something that is owed...simply because I have experience and am no longer young and "innocent".
-Love is a seemingly mystical feeling everyone is chasing after. You're expected to stay only until the butterflies fade and long before monotony sets in. There is no choice in love, no dedication in love, no sacrifice in love.
-Some men hate the idea of being a stepfather. Some can't stand the thought of being with a widow or with someone who might not be able to have kids. Some just hate the idea of adoption while others don't want kids at all.
-The majority of men are simply immature. I've dated across the "reasonable age" spectrum (28 all the way past 50) and have found that age seems to not make any difference in maturity levels, much to my chagrin. I have little time for men who do not know who they are or what they are about. And even less time for men who cannot understand why, as a widowed single mother, I proceed into any relationship with caution.
(Bear in mind, I know countless relationships, Christian and non-christian, that exemplify the kind of true love I know that exists. I know many men who are mature. I've seen Christian men who hold fast to purity and the respect of women and their bodies. I am throwing out general information from the experiences I have had in the dating world. So, please don't come at me).
Listen to me when I tell you that dating is the pits. But there are fun moments and so many hilarious (and ridiculous) stories.
On that lighter note lets throw out a few more things I've learned:
-I'm no longer morally opposed to arranged marriages. In fact, I've tried convincing my parents that it might be the best way to go (kidding...sort of).
-Starting a conversation off with "Hi, I'm Katharine, I love Jesus, and I won't sleep with you." doesn't charm men quite as much as you think it would.
-I'm happy, and loud, and, apparently, intimidating (and annoying)...you’re welcome world of men. It's not that I want to make you uncomfortable (or annoyed). It's more so that I have spent years learning to love the woman God created me to be...and I honestly just like me...because I'm awesome.
-I have nicely built walls around my heart...and no, a dimpled chin doesn't bring them down as much as men think it should.
-Everyone and their cousin recommends visiting new churches to find new groups of men...I just can't bring myself to leave the community that I've entrenched myself in just to find a man. I can't see myself strutting into a new Bible study and not-so-subtly remarking that I'm on the market.
-Don’t even get me started on the weird/confusing jargon that online daters use. I’ve had to google SO many things…some of which should never see the light of day. When in doubt, just swipe left.
-I firmly believe that churches/pastors should work out this secret underground blind date system. Who better to arrange some blind dates than caring pastors who probably know a little too much about us? (Ya hear that, Pastor Bobby? Throw my name into the ring a few times...I kid, I kid). But seriously, set up your single friends, guys! It literally cannot be any worse than online dating or stalking random churches to find someone who just loves Jesus as much as you do.
All that being said...I hate dating. But, I spend a consistent amount of time in prayer about dating and relationships in general. And every time I ask God if it's time to lay this aside, it feels like He says "no". That, along with the support and council of the people I walk through this with, gives me the courage, and more importantly, the hope, to continue in this path.
So here I am, wading through the muck and the mire of the modern day dating pool.
Choosing to believe that God can use singleness to sanctify me.
Much like he used marriage.
And infertility.
And stillbirth
And widowhood.
And adoption.
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