The Right Way, Not the Easy Way

 

"Do the right way, not the easy way."

I whisper this to myself over and over throughout the days lately. 

When I am tired and want to do things the fast way. When I don't want to stop and take the time to teach my daughter "why" instead of snapping that she should just listen to me because I'm the mom and she's the kid. When I am faced with the very hard things and have to make a decision.

My husband used to say these words to me. When he wanted the better, more expensive thing that would do the job better or last longer. When it took him twice as long to complete a task then if he had done it the easier way. When I just wanted to rush through the hard things...

There are a million things that I wish I could just rush through as a widow...

I wish that grief and suffering came with a checklist that provided me with a path through it all. 

Because I was so very determined that I could handle the grief...that I could make myself feel safe...that I didn't need rescuing from the world.

But I whispered to my heart in the midst of the aching and the loneliness..."do it the right way, not the easy way". Because it's so incredibly important to truly process through your grief in order to heal. You have to take the hard steps...do the hard things. 

And when I felt ready to try to find a new partner I took the same approach. I wanted to make sure that I did it the right way, not the easy way. I found that there are so many men who just want to take from you. Ones that want your body but not your heart. Ones that want you to want them but not need them. Ones that offer you the world...and fall so very short.

I wish dating didn't demand that you take your walls down and force you to allow a man into the scariest parts of your heart...where the brokenness and the weakness lie. 

I wish I could do it the easy way...and I have, sometimes. I've been too much and not enough all at once. I've purposefully scared men off. Because I don't believe in them and sometimes...sometimes I don't even believe in me. 

But I am trying, I really am. I am trying to do it the right way, not the easy way. I am trying to tear down my walls and trying to believe in the goodness of some men. I am working on stopping myself from running and expecting too much too soon. I am trying to give the good ones a solid chance to know a part of me that I don't show very many people...

Sometimes I get hurt, and I curse the grit and determination that the "right way" built up in me. I sit in my loneliness and hurt and I regret that life is hard and that I chose to do hard things.

And then I wipe my tears, breath deeply...and I just choose to do it the right way...not the easy way...once again.

Because so very long ago, a man chose to not take the easy way out and he did everything the right way. He lived perfectly and then he chose to die a horrific death in order to sacrifice and pay for our grievous sins. 

And because of him I no longer have to live under the horrific consequences of my sin and poor choices. His way redeemed every moment of my way.

And so, I am taking a deep breath and choosing to do it the right way, not the easy way. For, after all, we were never called to an easy life...we were called to one of sacrifice and redemption...the picture of the gospel.