Purpose In The Pursuit

Do you know how terrifying it is to date (particularly online) nowadays? It's a place where good intentions go to die...and the dysfunctions of the world are on full display and declared to be praiseworthy accomplishments. A place where people hurt each other under the guise of "being true to yourself" and where people act shamefully because they are able to hide behind their phone screens so easily. So often it feels pointless to exert real effort in the pursuit of it.

I'll be honest, I had no idea how hard it would be, none. A year ago I joked with my friends that, if John ever left me, I would never date again. Because dating seemed so awful...little did I know how bad it could actually be, haha.

And yet, here I am. John left me, and I have found that the pursuit of marriage is still a part of the calling for my life. Please bear in mind that I did not say that "marriage" is my calling...because I honestly have no idea if God has another life partner for me but I feel called to pursue marriage regardless. Just as I was called to pursue motherhood for so many years...even though the promise of a child was never there. 

I would like to take a moment to let you to know that I often wish my life had continued without the calling into this. I hoped that I would be on the "normal" timeline that society accepts for widows like me. I sometimes wish I could have avoided this calling, particularly so early on in my grief journey...because it has not been easy, or simple, or even understood. It has been heartbreaking and life changing. But the pursuit of sanctification so often is hard, is it not? And I choose to believe that there is true purpose in the pursuit of this.

I have learned that life happens in the pursuing of it not always in just the achievement of it. The depth of grief that can exist in having something denied to you, or ripped away from you, for so long, is brutal. But I have found that those empty places are such fertile ground for growth. Because, if we are truly seeking the Lord's will, then we will discover Him there, in the vast emptiness, in the brokenness, in the trenches of our lives.

The Lord calls us to brokenness. time and time again, yours may look different than mine, but it is there, simply take a look around. I believe that the trenches of life are so very often actually the gardens we purposefully cultivate. Marriage, parenthood, relationships, and careers...we seek them out and build them and shape them...and then find ourselves facing the hardest battles we could have imagined in these sacred places. When we take a step back, we can see that the trenches we have been entangled in are still the same beautiful gardens we took deep pains to prepare and plant. Are you able to see the beauty and purpose in the trenches when the garden is obscured by suffering? 

We are such imperfect people, longing for perfection. It's something that we will never achieve, our sinful hearts guaranteed that long ago. But God calls us to pursue it anyway, does He not? With zero expectations of us achieving it...because there is purpose in the pursuit of it. Sanctification is a process not a destination. The question is, are we making the effort to cultivate it, to pursue it?

I have not found that pursuing marriage again is particularly enjoyable. I have been traumatized, multiple times over in my life, I have grief and baggage galore, and I have a sweet little girl who relies solely on me for her well-being...so, no, it is not great fun. 

I have discovered that I have nice solid walls built up around my patchwork heart. Completely unintentionally built, but solid, nonetheless. I don't particularly want to let a man into this journey...because it's scary...and my heart already has so many stitches holding it together. 

Would you believe that my favorite power play in dating is to lay all my broken cards out on the table? I am all boldness and very little delicacy...you're welcome to the men of the world! I am proud of the trenches that I exist in...because it is also the garden that I have worked to cultivate for so long. And I have very little time for men who are unwilling to meet me in the trenches of life to battle for what truly matters.

I cannot imagine being anybody other than who I am, because I am happy with who I am. But, that does not mean that I'm the greatest at dating. Yikes, I'm a handful, haha. I am consistently waiting for the other shoe to drop and possibly even hit me on the way down. I exist with very little grace or mercy for poor unsuspecting men who "swipe right".

I am in a constant state of reevaluating the heart behind my choices,  whether its truly boldness or actually fear that exists there...and sometimes I have no answers. I am just trying to find the purpose in this pursuit...even if it is simply the reshaping of my heart, time and time again, to be a little more like Christ with each step.

But, honestly, that's ok, because I am not here to find purpose in a man...I am not here to be rescued or redeemed...that was already accomplished by a perfect man and a cross, many years ago. I am here to pursue sanctification and this is simply one of my avenues. 

Christ is here with my family. He has met us here in the garden...and he has sat with us here in the dark trenches. 

Just as He sat in the trenches so many years ago...in a beautiful garden, and he begged for this cup to pass from him. 

But it didn't...and neither has mine...

I welcome you into the trenches of my life where I am fighting...and into the garden I am cultivating...

Here I will choose to find the purpose in my pursuit...and then I will choose to share it with you.