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Weep…And Embrace The Life You Have

 


Here I am, about to play a round of Top Golf with two of my cousins. What do you see when you look at this picture? 


What if I told you that this picture was taken 30 minutes after the man who invited me to play Top Golf with him stood me up and tried to ghost me?

What do you see in the picture now? Any differences?

Here is what I see: I am happy, I am joyful, and I am confident. 

Mainly because I believe those things are influenced so much by my own choices. I chose to be happy, even though the first man to show any real interest in me since I became single totally bombed in regards to being a general good human. I chose to find the joy, even though it, for sure, sucks. I don't think anyone likes being stood up, even if this was more of a "let's-start-out-as-friends-date". I chose to be confident, because I refuse to let a man make me feel less about myself.

When I sent this guy the infamous "I'm over this" text message, I was very clear about where I stood. I told him "I don't need someone to make me feel better about myself, I know exactly who I am. But I definitely refuse to be with someone who tries to make me feel worse about myself" (Cue the ridiculousness that is any man's attempt to save face after they mess up *face palm*).

It's the truth, I know who I am. I have spent SO many years walking through the valleys of this life. My survival was ensured only because I was able to let go of the identity I found in myself and clung to the identity that Christ has proclaimed over me. Isn't that the key so often in our lives? To let go of what we always thought would be and cling to God and what He's orchestrated our life to actually be? 

I had so many hopes and dreams for my life. Since I was a young all I wanted to be was a wife and a mother. Almost everything else in my life plan was negotiable, but those two things were my biggest dreams. And yet, here I sit, a mother who's only son died and a wife who's husband was killed. How do you reconcile what you thought your identity was with such grievous hurts? My very identity was denied to me, and somehow I had to find peace in that. 

One of my very favorite quotes in regards to this is from John Piper: Occasionally weep deeply over the life you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Then wash your face. Trust God. And embrace the life you have.

This is the life I have. This is who I am. I do not believe that God has made any mistakes in my life. I believe that who I am, is exactly who He created me to be. I was once a mother and a wife, and I truly treasured those aspects of my identity. But I am now a childless mother and a widow. I have faced many struggles. I have stood up and been knocked back down. But God is such a faithful father, giving me His strength, through the Holy Spirit. He has gently ushered me into my true identity throughout all the heartache I've experienced through the years, and all the joy. Because there has been so much joy, so much happiness.

I refuse to believe that my life is the story of a brokenness. I have experienced deep tragedy, but I have also experienced amazing and wonderful things. I am not someone who will allow suffering to redefine them. I am, after all, a redeemed daughter of the King, a co-heir of Christ. That was written on my soul so long ago. And nothing has the ability to change that, even my own brokenness. 

I am strong and courageous, my friends. I know who I am in Christ. I can sometimes weep for the life I hoped for, I can grieve my losses, but I will choose to embrace the life I have. I will choose to step forward in the path that God has laid out for me, however hard.

So, yes, what a sucky show from some men of the world...but it doesn't really matter. It changes nothing about who I am, the happiness I can experience, or the joy I see in the world.

Thats my choice, and that cannot be taken from me without my permission. 

I was actually relieved when it was all said and done. I had already thought we probably weren’t a good fit together, but I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. Thankfully, my cousins were with me (meeting strangers alone? That’s gonna be a “no” for me), and we had a blast together. Now that some of the worst case scenarios are on the books, maybe dating gets easier?

Anyway, I’ve come here to say I'm pretty awesome, thank you very much, and, as much as I’d love a partner in life, I don’t need a man to define me. *mic drop*


Comments

  1. EllisandAmandaNovember 9, 2021 at 2:26 AM

    " I have spent SO many years walking through the valleys of this life. My survival was ensured only because I was able to let go of the identity I found in myself and clung to the identity that Christ has proclaimed over me. Isn't that the key so often in our lives? To let go of what we always thought would be and cling to God and what He's orchestrated our life to actually be?"

    Thank your for writing! ♥️♥️♥️

    ReplyDelete

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