The Death of My Husband

Sometimes there are collisions of worlds that happen that you never dreamed possible. 

Not only are you thrust into a place you never wished to be, but you are left to deal with the carnage of that collision. 

On June 6th, 2021, a driver, high on cocaine and fentanyl, veered across the center line. This caused his vehicle to collide, head on, with my husband, John, who was riding is motorcycle home from church. 

That driver walked away with just a few scratches.

John died.

And our worlds collided in a way that damages both so deeply that you cannot pick one apart from the other. A connection born of devastation, but a connection nonetheless. 

I actually knew something was wrong that morning. I had checked John’s location own my phone and noticed he hadn’t moved in a while and wouldn’t answer his phone. So I went looking for him.

I prayed for a minor accident, for hope of survival, as I glanced down every ditch and road along the route to his last known location.

I crested the last hill and gained a view of flashing lights, ambulances, sheriff deputies, state policy, and fire trucks. 

My very worst nightmare collided with my reality and broke a part of me that I always thought safe before. 

I begged deputies to tell me what happened, for any information, which they couldn’t provide, and I knelt on the ground and simply repeated “Please God” and “God is good”. 

When a deputy finally walked over from the accident site to speak with me, I knew that John had died, it was written all over his face. 

And his world collided with mine, in a way neither of us would ever have wished for. A mere moment in time that I highly doubt either of us will ever forget. A stretch of road and a few words that intertwined our lives in a way we never would have chosen for ourselves.

And so began a journey that forced new collisions day after day. Funeral homes, state troopers,  lawyers, doctors, advisors, and so on and so forth. Never having the opportunity or time to breath and repair between each one. Moments that changed my entire world happened again and again. 

I am so incredibly thankful for all the family and friends who have stepped in and helped shoulder so much of the burden for the last 10 weeks. Without them, I never would have recovered from such devastation.

Because I AM recovering, day by day. 

I can find joyful and good moments in my days more often than not. I can choose how I am going to face this life without John. I know I am loved and well cared for. I know I am not completely alone. 

I know this because, long ago, two worlds collided. I was presented with the Gospel and made the decision to follow Christ, and that has made all the difference. This life will not be this hard forever, because having Christ makes things better. Maybe not in the way we expect or think we need, but in ways that surpass our own understanding and provide us with a future and a hope. 

And because John also chose to serve the Lord, I know that his life has not truly ended. I know that the saving grace of Jesus Christ met him in a mighty collision, and reshaped everything in his life. I know that he is with that very same savior now, worshiping Him and breathing in the very glory of our God. 

I am just so very thankful to serve a faithful God, who is good, even in this.

He is a God that breaks and shapes us around every single collision, wasting not even a single piece of our brokenness.