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More Than Jesus?

In the fleeting moments of the day, the times when my mind lets down it guard, I dream of you. I dream of a pregnancy, and of your birth, and of living life as your Mommy. Because, even with all the awesome things going on in our life, even with the success and the friendships, even with all the hopes and dreams that come true…they still aren’t you.
months, and we’ve never even had a hint of your existence, but I feel like you already exist, and I can’t imagine life without you. Because you’re already here…but only in my heart.

You are still the dream we hope for, the dream we’d give it all away for…you still are.


But…do we want you more than we want Jesus?


It’s been so many years, an endless string of days and

I feel like one of those women in the movies, the one who believes something with her whole being but the world thinks she’s crazy. The world can’t see the truth, they can’t see her heart, they can’t see it…and they’re trying to convince her that she’s wrong, and that she just needs to move on.

But I can’t move on from you, you are a part of me. A part that I can’t explain, and a part that makes no sense to anyone else, but you’re woven into the fabric of who I am, and I can’t be me without you…


But…are you more a part of me than Jesus is?


If hopes and dreams could breath you into existence you would be here now, you would have been here years ago. I had plans for you from the moment we started trying to find you. You were a story of redemption and hope amidst the deepest of losses. You were a shining rainbow, a reminder of promises, a fulfillment of plans. Until you didn’t come…and I wondered what you would stand for then? My plans seemed so pure, so fulfilling, so much better than this one we’ve been living out.


But…are our plans better than Jesus?


There were times in the past years where I was waiting on you, and only you. Time was simply passing until I could hold you in my arms. I survived on dreams and hopes of you…I breathed you in and I breathed Jesus out. Because He denied me you, and it hurt too much sometimes to accept that. Why create me to be yours, and then deny me that wholeness? Doesn’t that seem mean? It feels mean. So, yes, there were times I wanted to ignore Him and choose my own path. Because at least on my part, I could still dream of you.


But…am I more yours (or mine) than Jesus’?


I’ve never claimed to be perfect. I’ve never thought that I was getting it right all of the time. I have toed the line of brokenness and disobedience. I’ve crossed it, and been called back by a gracious Father. I’ve been swinging in the pendulum between hope and pride…between purpose and peace. I’ve begged for this thorn in my flesh to disappear, and I’ve embraced the ever-constant ache that comes from knowing I am not fully who I was created to be. I am not all things all of the time. I am a sinner and I am in just as much need as a savior as I was when I first came to Christ. The truth of the gospel still ri

ngs as true today as it did then.


Jesus still is. 


Jesus is still so much better than the best plans I could make. He sees every part of me, and He loves me still. He has the perfect plans designed for my prosperity and for a life that draws me closer to Him. 


Jesus is still so much more a part of me than any dream or hope could possibly be. Jesus has held me in the dark when I forgot what hope felt like, when the very best became the very worst in the blink of an eye. 


Jesus has claimed me as His. I accepted the truth of the gospel one night, very long ago. The truth that even in the darkness of my sin and shame, Jesus gave himself up to death on a cross on order to save me. He, a perfect man, loved me so perfectly that He died so that I could live. Even though I make mistakes, and get distracted by my own selfishness and brokenness, I am still His. He has bought and paid for my freedom with His blood. He has raised me to the same level as him, a co-heir, now a perfect child redeemed through Him. 


So, every day, I put my hopes and dreams for you in a box, and I place that box at the feet of Jesus Christ. Because, I want Him so much more. 


I feel like the lie exists that tells me I’m not worthy of you because I would sacrifice you for Him…But He has chosen to make me worthy of everything He has. So, that can’t be the reason. He has chosen to leave us childless. He has specifically chosen each day, each month, each year to leave us waiting. To what end, I can’t possibly know. But I have hope in the character of God. If He plans for you to be with us, He will create the path that will lead to our sanctification and His glory. If we travel in the “desert” for years and are denied access to the “promised land” we will celebrate ultimate redemption in His embrace.


Even if there is never a you…there is always a Him…and He is so much better. 












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