Holidays Without Kimber

Well it seems that we survived the first round of many holidays without Kimber here. And it was quite an experience, 

It started with my 25th birthday on November 23...I hated it. Turning 25 without my son here was terrible. I waited three years to finally have our child and suddenly he was taken from us. The acknowledgement of the year passing by yet again just felt like a slap in the face. 

I have wonderful friends and family and amazing husband who planned some wonderful events for me. And they truly helped me through a hard birthday. But, unfortunately, no amount of love and support could take away the hurt of being 25 without my baby in my arms. 

But I survived, we got through it. 

And then, 5 days later, we experienced our first Thanksgiving without Kimber. Our entire family was in town for the event and everyone seemed to have a wonderful holiday. 

I watched my nieces and nephews run around and play together as Grammy and Grumpsy and all the aunts and uncles watched their playful antics. I watched them too, the four cousins, and my heart broke. Kimber was number five. In my heart he is still here, cousin number five, but reality hurts when it reminds me that he can never really be apart of the group of cousins. Number five may not be filled by someone else but it will always be left empty, the place where he should have been.

Christmas came next...usually the most exciting time of the year. The holiday we had so many plans for...plans with a three month old in our arms. Some days I forced myself to experience Christmas because I didn't want to become that depressed mother without a baby who never leaves the house and stops living life. Some of our traditions felt almost normal, like picking out our tree and putting it up in the house, but others, like decorating the tree and the house, seemed a little empty, so we didn't do it. 

I have an amazing few friends who got together and supplied me with a letter for every day leading up to Christmas. Each letter was filled with encouraging notes, jokes, stickers, or cards and an advent card to remind me of the true reason for the  Christmas season. What a blessings that letters were for me.  

We tried to include Kimber any way we could. We bought him a special ornament and will buy him an ornament every year just as we planned to do if he had lived. When my mom purchased ornaments for all of the family (that's where we got our tradition) I asked her to get Kimber one as well. I almost cried when I saw his name on his cute little baby boy Christmas ornament, thanks for including him mom.

However, he can only be included so much, little things here and there, but always missing. 

But we celebrated the birth of our wonderful Christ, because despite our circumstance the glorious wonder of Jesus is still miraculous and worthy of celebration. 

So there they are, our first broken holidays. Hopefully next year they are a little more patched up and have a little more substance and a little more joy.